tangle

These days, I am suffering a lot because of several things.
Those things drive me crazy, and sob a lot. I've been struggling a lot since I came here.

First, it is very hard to explain, which is related to my friendship. I tried to make a lot of friends when I first came here, so I kept trying talking to others in my grade. However, they saw me like 'Why she tries to be with us? Why she tries to come into our group?', and I could feel that. I felt really bad about that I tried hard but couldn't be a friend with others. I had some bad experiance when I was in Korea. So yesterday night, I dreamed really bad nightmare, which setting was my previous school. I kept screaming while I was sleeping, and I couldn't cure myself yet. Because of that, these days, whenver others stare at me, or talk something between each others looking at me, I feel really scared, and very nervous. Even it is not related to me, I think it is all about my bad things, and on the other hand, I tried to be super kind to everyone even i had to get some disavantages, but why... why others think me bad... I have no idea if I am a person who others hate, or if it is just my confusion. If others hate me, I really want to know why so that I can change it. Also, korean seniors told me that 8th graders are grouping a lot so it is hard for me to be in that group. The worst thing is that even I try to spread happy virus with hiper voice, kind voice, everyone reacts like...'She is weird'. The more I try to be kind, not to give any bad affect to others, I gain more stress, become more depressed.

Next, there is a girl names 'Faith' in my grade. She is my previous roommate. I had some big reason to change my roommate, so I changed to Abbigaile now. By the way, whenever I see Faith, I feel really mad and want to run away. Honestly, the reason of changing the roommate was related to sexual things. Whenever I find something same between me and her, I stop being same. For example, if she is sitting similar with me, then I immediately change the way I sit. If I find any similarity, I just want to run away, and feel like I am so dirty. I hate myself that I seriously hate a person. And I am not a racist, but everytime I see African Americans, I just feel like they are all same with Faith.

Last, there was a stocker when I was in Korea. He was my science teacher for a month and a half, and not that close with me. But after several month I quit his class, he started to talk about my private things such as physical things. I felt really bad and ashamed, so started to avoid his talking. However, several days ago, he tried to ask me about our school's address. If he was close with me, I can understand him trying to know so many things about me.. but he's not. He talked about my hands, my feet.... and he told me to watch a movie, and see each other. I have my own blog in other site, and whenever I check 'visited blogger', he is always there even it shows only 3 previous visitor. A lot of people visit my blog, so it means that he always visit it. I asked him why with e-mail, but I recieved his answer that he becomes so happy whenever he sees my life.
Because of him, I started to avoid talking in letter with men. Whenever I read similar tone of letter conversation, I feel really bad, and I want to scream. Even my dad....

I feel like I have a disease in my mind and brain..