tangle

These days, I am suffering a lot because of several things.
Those things drive me crazy, and sob a lot. I've been struggling a lot since I came here.

First, it is very hard to explain, which is related to my friendship. I tried to make a lot of friends when I first came here, so I kept trying talking to others in my grade. However, they saw me like 'Why she tries to be with us? Why she tries to come into our group?', and I could feel that. I felt really bad about that I tried hard but couldn't be a friend with others. I had some bad experiance when I was in Korea. So yesterday night, I dreamed really bad nightmare, which setting was my previous school. I kept screaming while I was sleeping, and I couldn't cure myself yet. Because of that, these days, whenver others stare at me, or talk something between each others looking at me, I feel really scared, and very nervous. Even it is not related to me, I think it is all about my bad things, and on the other hand, I tried to be super kind to everyone even i had to get some disavantages, but why... why others think me bad... I have no idea if I am a person who others hate, or if it is just my confusion. If others hate me, I really want to know why so that I can change it. Also, korean seniors told me that 8th graders are grouping a lot so it is hard for me to be in that group. The worst thing is that even I try to spread happy virus with hiper voice, kind voice, everyone reacts like...'She is weird'. The more I try to be kind, not to give any bad affect to others, I gain more stress, become more depressed.

Next, there is a girl names 'Faith' in my grade. She is my previous roommate. I had some big reason to change my roommate, so I changed to Abbigaile now. By the way, whenever I see Faith, I feel really mad and want to run away. Honestly, the reason of changing the roommate was related to sexual things. Whenever I find something same between me and her, I stop being same. For example, if she is sitting similar with me, then I immediately change the way I sit. If I find any similarity, I just want to run away, and feel like I am so dirty. I hate myself that I seriously hate a person. And I am not a racist, but everytime I see African Americans, I just feel like they are all same with Faith.

Last, there was a stocker when I was in Korea. He was my science teacher for a month and a half, and not that close with me. But after several month I quit his class, he started to talk about my private things such as physical things. I felt really bad and ashamed, so started to avoid his talking. However, several days ago, he tried to ask me about our school's address. If he was close with me, I can understand him trying to know so many things about me.. but he's not. He talked about my hands, my feet.... and he told me to watch a movie, and see each other. I have my own blog in other site, and whenever I check 'visited blogger', he is always there even it shows only 3 previous visitor. A lot of people visit my blog, so it means that he always visit it. I asked him why with e-mail, but I recieved his answer that he becomes so happy whenever he sees my life.
Because of him, I started to avoid talking in letter with men. Whenever I read similar tone of letter conversation, I feel really bad, and I want to scream. Even my dad....

I feel like I have a disease in my mind and brain..

Love Exo Again

I expected that America will be much looser than Korea, so I was happy that I can continue loving exo, and spending time for that. However, It was really busy here, much busier than I'd expected, so I couldn't enjoy exo for a long time. Even Exo 90:2014 full video was not in Youtube maybe I guess cuz of SM ent, so there was nothing new to meet with exo. I brought a box of exo goods. It is my precious, and I sometimes open it and enjoy looking at my baby. By the way, honestly, Exo started to be erased in my mind due to my a lot of homeworks to do everyday. It was kinda sad story, but anyway, I restarted my blog several days ago, and I tried not to forget exo. Unfortunately, my blog is restarted so my previous neighbors are all gone now. I feel really sad about that, and now, I changed the way I post my blog little. I used to post anything such as my feeling, or some crazy mumbling everyday, even without any thought. But now, I'm going to post that I can put my memory in, and can feel it afterwords. About Exo, I'm going to write something that happend, my thought of them, or anything that is related to them.

Go back to talking about exo, I am going to like them and enjoy them passionly again from now on. Honestly, I'm now in my Honor Algebra 2 class finished my test much earlier than others do (cuz they are now still having their test). Anyway, I'm going to find something interesting about exo. 

I MISS U GUYS

LOL(laugh out loudly), LMAO(laugh my ass out), ASAP(as soon as possible), YOLO(you only live once), IDGAF(I dont get all fxxx), CBB(can't be bothered)...

These r sth that I learned frm my favorite teacher Timmie. He was the only person who could understand abt me everything, so that I could tell him everything without any boundaries.

His thought was very similar wth mine so we liked each others. B4 I left korea, I had a meal wth him in Italian food restaurant, Chipolla Rosso. I had a convo wth him about a lot of things, include my stressful things, english, my family things, coming to the USA, and etc. I had a lot of kakaotalk, which is Korean messanger, with him abt my concern stuffs. I really liked him cuz he has told me a lot of things that r good 4 my life. I still really appreciate him a lot abt those all things.

Lets keep in touch, Timmie.
I really miss u.

My plan in the webb scl

I have Geometry for my math. I think it is super easy TT
I just want to have harder curriculum. So this semester, Im going to study Math super hard, and when I go back to Korea on winter vacation, Im gonna study math in english really fast and hard.
I have already learned everything Im learning now almost 2~3 years ago.
I have problem in math vocab, so after I master the math vocab, Im gonna ask my math teacher that I want to take a test for advance the class.
I want to have geometry honor, because Geometry is too easy for me.

Im going to be a math genius, cuz its gonna be bad if I keep going same as others.

Writing a novel

One of my biggest hobby is to write a novel.
I used to write a lot of novels when I was in Korea, and I'm going to continue writing novels.
My new novel is about my favorite artist, names 'Exo'.
Unfortunately, even I really wanted to write in English, thanks(;;) to my poor english writing skills, I had to write in Korean.
I wrote more than 7kb now, and I am going to write about 200kb.
I haven't finished really long novel, so my goal is to acheive it!!!

It contains a little gay love cuz Exo is boy group. There are all boys, and if there is no romance in my novel, it's gonna be really boring for ME, so I HAD TO PUT THE ROMANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hu.... Anyway, everyone!
Plz pray 4 ma new novel~

To. My younger sister.

2014-08-28

I think I can write in English to U cuz u can understank English well. It is really hard to study English. But when u stay here for several days, and communicate with friends here, we surely can increase our speaking skill. SURELY..


I want to see U.
I hope u will like my present from America.
Plz let me know ur life there.



Love, Ur sis.

To my mom (for 8/22)

I dont know how can I start my letter.. TT
Fortunately, I think I am doing well here these days :)
Honestly, I had to clean my roon, have a meal, wash my clothes, do my homework, wake up in the morning at 6~7 everyday.... without U, Mom..
It was really hard experience and big burden for me. To do everything without U is such a hard thing for me, and I realized it now. Even I knew that it's gonna be super hard in here when I was in korea, the life in the U.S.A ALONE is much harder than what I've expected.
Sometimes, I feel really ashamed, or embarrassed cuz of the cultural differences. It is really big deal 4 me, anyway, I am trying hard to overcome those differences.
Thank U for sending me here, Im not gonna forget this forever, I appreciate U once again.